The roast of Bobby Petrino

Now that he is gone, and Louisville football is seemingly in a better place, it is time for Cards fans to air some grievences towards Bobby Petrino. We will get things started.

That sucked. Louisville football just struggled through the their worst season in over a decade at the hands of, now former, head coach Bobby Petrino.

You are lying if you saw this coming. Two years ago, Petrino and quarterback Lamar Jackson had the program at one of its highest points ever, catapulting the Cards to No. 3 in the national rankings and squarely in the middle of the college football playoffs discussion.

Since then, however, some of the serious flaws that encompassed the Bobby Petrino 2.0 era came to fruition. After Jackson and a number of assistant coaches left the program, the shocking ineptitude and overall deficiancies of Petrino’s coaching style began to rear their ugly heads.

Don’t get me wrong, Bobby Petrino- at least at one time- was a hell of a coach. And, though his troubled past followed him back to Louisville for his second stint, you were in the vast minority if you weren’t excited about the prospect of his re-hire. He was 41-9 in his first stint in Louisville, and had great success at stops at Arkansas and Western Kentucky. Petrino, on multiple occassions took the program to new heights.

Still, at the same time, Petrino brought the program to new lows- including the point where it is right now after a 2-win season capped off by transfers away from the program and an abysmal recruiting class.

Petrino, when all is said and done, will have made $45 million dollars to take a program on the rise and completely destroy all momentum.

Still, it wasn’t until Petrino left that we all began to hear the full stories of discontent from players, former staff, and interactions (or apparently, lack thereof) with recruits. Like this one:

This is just inexcusable. There has been chatter for a long time that Petrino was an awful recruiter. He found coaches that could relate to the players, and brought them in to recruit for a couple years before they realized that working for Petrino was a nightmare, and quickly moved on to greener pastures. This ultimately led to Petrino being forced to make hires like Peter Sirmon and Brian VanGorder as a last resort.

So, in the spirit of Bobby Petrino being gone and Scott Satterfield crushing his first few days on the job, I did some thinking. At first I knew exactly what to do. But, in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do. And then it hit me like me like moss on a Mississippi tree stump….

The reason I am feeling so stressed, is because I am too intimidated to tell Bobby what I really think. I am keeping those feelings inside, and that is causing stress. What is the solution? The solution is honesty, laughter, and comedy.

We need to do a ROAST of Bobby Petrino. Just get it all out there on the table and maybe we will need feel better, right?

There needs to be water- for spit takes. Maybe some drums. Some Sammy Davis Jr. laughs.

There needs to be a stage. All of the roasters should be on stage as well.

There… Much better.

NOW… Without further ado…

*clears throat*

Bobby, you have the personality of a rock. But that might be an insult to my pet rock.
Boom, roasted.

Bobby, Adidas already wants another contract extension because your team’s performance on the field allowed the three stripes in the north endzone to be completely visible the entire season.
Boom, roasted.

Bobby, you have to wear readers to see your play book. Boom roasted.

Bobby, Louisville has some of the trendiest uniforms and best facilities in the country  and you STILL make them look dorky and outdated. Boom… roasted.

Bobby, for five years, your secondary lined up 10 yards off the line of scrimmage on 3rd and short. St. Patrick’s Toy Bowl team knows better than that. Boom, roasted.

Bobby, Peter Sirmon thinks you were a bad hire. Boom… roasted.

Bobby, at the Heisman Trophy ceremony, you looked like Lamar Jackson’s creepy uncle that he hadn’t seen in 8 years, who randomly showed up to his wedding uninvited. Boom, roasted.

Bobby, you have the enthsiasm of Joe Flacco lined up at wide receiver. Boom, roasted.

Bobby, you are so bad at developing relationships that even the ones outside your marriage… crashed. Boom. Roasted.

Bobby, you barely recruited Rondale Moore?! Boom. Disgusted.

Bobby, your program had less “culture” than my failed petri dish science fair project in 6th grade. BOOM, roasted.

Bobby, if you were a Christmas gift, you’d be fruit cake. Boom roasted.

Bobby, when Scott Satterfield’s sons found out that he took the Louisville job, they teared up with sadness because they aren’t ready to be assistant coaches. Boom, sad roast.

Bobby, you wore a bright red shirt and hat to a black out. Boom, roasted.

Bobby, you had almost a dozen coaches quit on you in five years. Boom, ghosted.

Bobby, Lamar Jackson reportedly has some of the strongest shoulders in the NFL from carrying your ass for three years. Boom, roasted.

Bobby, you lost to Kentucky twice at home. Steve Kragthorpe didn’t even do that. Boom, roasted.

Bobby, I guess you could say I have burned too many bridges here today. But then again I am a writer, so it’s not like you would have given me the time of day in the first place.

Boom. Roasted.