Louisville football players as Halloween candy

Louisville football players as Halloween candy.

Louisville football will be taking the field this week in the late afternoon/ early evening. At about the same time, little Johnny and Susie take the streets with the Halloween buckets flapping in the wind; not a care in the world aside from the hustle of securing copious amount of sugary goodness from their neighbors.

If you won’t be at the game in person, you’re probably going to have to contend with the dogs barking at the window every thirty seconds and “Moana” and “Red Power Ranger” ringing the doorbell on third and 2.

So I thought… what better way to get in the mood for trick or treaters crashing your football watch party than to compare your favorite candies to your favorite Louisville football players?

Let’s ball.

Javian Hawkins- Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup

Most would argue Reese’s Cups are the cream of the crop— Perhaps the best candy that Halloween has to offer. Reese’s Cups are a first ballot Hall of Famer. When those passing out candy allow you to stick your hand in and grab what you’d like, you’re almost certain to go for a Reese’s Cup. If you’re drafting Halloween candy, Reese’s Cups are the third-year high-volume workhorse back that you are convinced will lead you to a fantasy league title. They are a no-brainer, and they will serve you well on your quest for candy glory.

Tutu Atwell- Hershey’s bar

Ole steady Freddy. The Hershey’s bar is always reliable, always delicious, and a year-round treat for all. Hershey’s bars are a staple regardless of the occasion, but just so happen to be a Halloween favorite as well. Hershey’s really never lets you down, so much so that it makes its way into a number of variety packs. A true champion, is Hershey’s. Your Halloween haul is not even remotely the same without it.

Rodjay Burns- Twix

Twix may seem like a double-sided chocolatey wafer, but there’s so much more to it than meets the eye. You might think left Twix and right Twix are the same, but they are far different in principle. Left Twix is enrobed in chocolate with drizzled caramel and a crunchy cookie inside that makes it more crunchy and sweet, whereas Right Twix is cloaked in chocolate with cascaded caramel and a crispy cookie inside that makes it more sweet and crunchy. There is a distinct difference, which is why we must stan Twix for its creativity and versatility— A true candy hero among us.

Malik Cunningham- Gobstobbers

If you want a surprise, you have to bite into a Gobstopper. You truly never know what you’re going to get with Gobstoppers, but it’s almost always certain to be a good time. The thing about Gobstoppers is that there’s layers to them, so if you don’t necessarily enjoy the flavor now, just give it some time and you’re certain to have something more suitable for your taste. Gobstoppers are solid, they are reliable enough, and we should keep appreciating Gobstoppers for what they are, okay?

Monty Montgomery- Snickers

You’re not yourself today— have a Snickers. That’s better. Snickers always save the day. Checking out at the grocery and need a quick pick-me-up? Snickers. Out and about and need some protein that tastes amazing? Snickers. Snickers is more than just a Halloween candy bar, and relegating it to this Halloween-y corner seems a bit cheap. In reality, Snickers grows on you as you get older and mature a bit more. Hopefully you eventually realize Snickers should have been in your starting lineup all along.

CJ Avery/ Dorian Etheridge- Milk Duds

Milk Duds don’t get nearly the respect they are due. People overlook Milk Duds all of the time, brushing past them for another Snickers or similar chocolatey variety. We forget about Milk Duds far too often- A ball of caramel, delicately wrapped in a smooth, creamy layer of chocolate. Yet, here they are, year after year, making their way into your candy bucket just like the year before. They’ll get eaten; you’ll enjoy them, too. When you bite into a Milk Dud, you suddenly remember that you’ve been overlooking them this whole time. You might even make a comment like, “wow, we really don’t talk about Milk Duds enough.” But that’s Milk Duds for ya; never too flashy, but always there for you.

Dez Fitzpatrick- Skittles

A timeless classic, Skittles are the under-appreciated candy in the bucket. You know what Skittles brings to the table. Skittles proved early and often that it was a reliable candy, and when you are stuffing your face with chocolate all night, it’s easy to forget about Skittles. Yet, Skittles remains the consummate candy for everyone to enjoy. Skittles can make your day if only you were to give it the opportunity; And when the day comes that you’re out of Skittles, you wish you’d have enjoyed them a little more than you actually did at the time.

Marshon Ford- Fun Size Tootsie Roll

There comes a time on every child’s Halloween where Dad Tax is implemented. Dad Tax is a mutual agreement between father and child that cuts to the core of humanity. It strengthens our bond from the moment we are able to sit on the floor and count candy after mom checks for razor blades.

You park yourself on the floor and start tearing through candy when your old man makes a joke about learning about taxes. You and dad both know he’s been cherry picking from the bowl sitting next to the front door for the last three hours and he didn’t have to run from door to door begging for candy in a dumb ass costume from Target; nor did he have to sit though pictures and waiting for mom to catch up all night. Your bulky “Sidekick Bros” costume made you sweat like a crazy person and the cool fall breeze dried it up. Your body was in a state of sheer sugar and sweat-driven panic. You’ve relished this night, waiting to put yourself into a coma and fall asleep with The Great Pumpkin on in the background, and dad is just gonna encroach on your bowl like this, bro? Dude, like, boundaries, am I right? But then, you remember last week when dad stood up for you at the dinner table. Your mom wouldn’t let you be excused until you ate a cold, soggy piece of asparagus, but dad saved the day by reminding her that it was “a bit undercooked.” He took that L for you and dealt with whisper fighting just audibly under The Amazing Race after you went to your room. So, he technically earned this moment, and you let your dad go rummaging through your candy without a fuss.

Instead of going for the name brands, dad digs down and pulls out some Tootsie Rolls. Ah, the Tootsie Roll, the oft-forgotten chewy chocolate candy that you find between your couch cushions while you’re vacuuming. There might be one or two in your junk drawer or just lying about the home months after Halloween. Yet, dad goes for those babies. Why? Because he knows what Tootsie Rolls stand for. Dad knows what those fun sized Tootsies are all about. They are tough, they are dependable, they are flavorful, and they are the underrated ugly stepchild of the candy world. You don’t always remember the Tootsie Rolls, but they quite literally have never let you down. It’s a power play from dad. He is the authority in this house; he could have easily snagged four Reese’s and double pink Starburst. But, alas, he did not. Because he knows dependability matters, and he has built an unspoken Tootsie Roll driven bond on the back of small decisions like this.

Tough, durable, dependable, underrated. The Tootsie Roll has it all. Be your dad and choose the Tootsie Roll more this Halloween.

Also, throw to Marshon Ford more.